It’s coming up on 13 years ago, December 2011, that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Terry and I were two plus years into our New Orleans adventure and I finally had a recommendation for a rock star primary care physician who I randomly made an intro appointment to see in October 2011. One thing led to another and I was scheduled for my first mammogram, a basic baseline screening, before the end of the month. I recognized that it was October and the infamous Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but as there was no family history and I was ‘young’ for BC and there were no lumps or bumps or cysts that we were monitoring, I went into that first mammogram innocent and naive.

Learning I had breast cancer left me experiencing a great many things and emotions, but one thing I remember was feeling affronted by it all and a sense of entitlement to life tending to work out for me: how dare breast cancer enter my world?!

How dare breast cancer crimp my style?

The one term that has resonated with my life since that time has been a loss of innocence. Difficult, challenging things had happened in my life before that time—you do not reach 43 years of age without struggle or heartbreak—but I had also led an incredibly full and good life to that point. Peace Corps service, a close family, a New Orleans adventure, a good marriage, the Cottage… how dare it crash in this way?

Being diagnosed with breast cancer has ended up being a turning point in my life and since that time I’ve had to face hard things and a great deal of significant loss in my world. I feel that before cancer, I had an innocence and entitlement that things in my life would balance out when I went through hard times, that the losses in my life would be balanced out by gains. However, I’ve been forced to absorb the reality that as I get older, that is no longer the case. Frankly, there are just certain losses that are absolutely impossible to replace in one’s life. I’ve also learned to recognize that sometimes we go through these periods where there are just too many challenges and losses going on all at once in your life, that you just can’t absorb it all in a ‘timely’ fashion and all you can do is hold on–even if you don’t want to.

These are the times when my world has been ‘crimped’.

The trade off with the loss of innocence is that I have gained maturity and empathy and understanding. While my old style has been forever altered, a new one has emerged that embraces the old.

This summer was a case of everything crashing in again and my being overwhelmed—how dare life do so much to me?!!! As if I could control the randomness of fate.

The greatest challenge during these types of hard times is that my coping skills, my systems, all of my hacks, have either been in complete overload mode, no longer fulfilling my needs, or have been malfunctioning where things came crashing in. That’s what happened this summer.

The cool thing is that…7 weeks ago, when I started blogging again, when I stepped back into being a part of a supportive, compassionate blogging community and put myself back on the radar of a number of my distant friendships, I was feeling very hopeless, isolated, and scared. I was at an impasse. However, being nudged to tap back in to something I love to do–writing and blogging–was the turning point. I reset in the midst of the tempest that had been swarming around me and now seven weeks later, a shift is afloat. I started a new job, in a new environment that feels vibrant and a much better fit for me, which I enjoy. My mom’s cancer is currently stable and her and my dad are biking daily and busy living a new normal. After 3 months of being in the shop, I finally got my car back last Thursday and the sheer magic of having my independence back is incredible!!!!! I have also been slowly reconnecting (sometimes rather randomly I might add) with a number of special people in my life which has been fantabulous!!!!

The cool thing is that…when they talk in therapy about getting to another side of the current turmoil, to a more positive place, I’m being reminded again that it is possible.

The cool thing is that…on this World Mental Health Day, I am able to embrace the work that I have put in to get to this place and truly recognize how much healthier my mental health is becoming, thanks in part to my writing and being a part of communities and friendships that support, nurture, and help me through the hard stuff.

The cool thing is that…on this World Mental Health Day, I am getting back to a place where in feeling healthier myself, I can start being there for others a little more, where I can be a giver, too.

So, on this World Mental Health Day, Bleu and I wish everyone good mental health! Cheers!